I had a busy end of the year as usual, lots of driving around, presents, tidying things up. On the monday before christmas i could finally relax at home alone when i felt a little pain in my chest and then decided to lie down and soon felt my heart racing and i felt i was going to pass out. Of course i panicked and decided to call an ambulence.. ended up in ED for two nights as they tried to figure it out.. was sent home xmas eve with no answer though i still felt weak. Anyway made it through to 2 Jan the whole time feeling weak and breathless and at risk of fainting again, when again i felt painful chest and lying down my heart raced and i went cold and clammy lots of strange sensations around my heart.. another ambo.. and in to cardiology ward for five nights.
Now i’m home again and still no answers still no energy, though it looks like it could be related to my marfans syndrome and leaky prolapsed mitral valve which would explain the funny feelings. More tests over the next few weeks. Lots of thinking about ‘life so far’ and where next — as i am unable to do anything much, music feels difficult, so i’m sort of on this island waiting for a boat to arrive. Not really worried, just intert, I can’t even do my regular job properly. My family have rallied around though.. i’m not lonely.. i’m ok.
Was reading old diaries from india .. a bit cringeworthy reading youself from so long ago (28 years ago now.. ) but also seeing the seeds planted for so much which has since grown. The first discoveries. And understanding better how I laid my path, the mindset i was in. I was already talking about starting a family and having a quiet life whilst also thinking about how to get enlightened. I found the Ramanashram and experienced the silence there for the first time (no words..). I missed Burra. I decided to become a poet. I was clueless about the world and everything that was going to happen.. i really did just let myself wander.
Lying in bed now at Burra i’m happy to be here, feels like i can return into my childhood.. that happiness i felt here in the earliest days with mum and dad and grandparents around and the sun. Was listening to Debussy this afternoon and it took me right back to mum playing the piano in my earliest memories. The sun streaming in the window outside the sound of parrots and the poplar leaves swaying. Bliss infinity.
